Insurance, Grief, and Anger

I try to keep up with my responsibilities as the one in charge of husband's accounts etc.  I did get paperwork filed...that I am able to do without acknowledging his death.  However when I try to fill out the paperwork (life insurance,  transfer bank accounts, retirement accounts, etc.) I start feeling weightless and confused.  Questions such as:  Date of death, Cause of death, suddenly bring me face to face with reality as I picture how he died.  I received a booklet on grief from our insurance company.  I have been exposed to a lot of books on grief, but they usually only list the stages of grief.  This one lists some of the common expressions of grief, that can appear simultaneously, such as:

• Shock body's protection from grief.  May lack emotion and doubt the death is real.  Even though you may accept loved one's death intellectually, you have not begun to accept it emotionally.
• Loneliness and sorrow often begin after the memorial service, especially if you are responsible for managing loved one's affairs.  May experience symptoms such as loss of appetite (check), insomnia, or headaches (check).  
• Confusion difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness and indecision.
• Guilt is most common when death ends an unhappy or stressful relationship (check).  You may regret past words or actions.
• Anger is a normal method of diverting pain and usually indicates an emotional release needed to adjust to your loss.  May feel angry with friends or family who do not seem to understand your grief; or even your deceased loved one for leaving you behind (CHECK!!!!!)

I appreciated this free booklet.  I will try again tomorrow to work on the paperwork.  I am expecting the death certificates any day now.  I also need to call the police department and request the accident reports on his death.  Unbelievable the proof that the life insurance needs before they will pay out the benefits.

I was wrong.  He had been making the dental insurance payments using automatic deductions from his account online.  He didn't use the coupons.  So my girls do get to see the dentist after all, which makes me very happy.

Lacking dental care

Paperwork and problems and anger!

So I finally get around to making dental appointments for my daughters and myself.  After 20 years of regular dental care every 6 months, my husband retired and I quit going to the dentist.  Although the divorce decree required him to maintain dental insurance for the girls, and he assured me that he was, I just never got around to taking them.

Until today, we were referred to a dentist who is 5 minutes away, and I made apts. for the girls.  Phone call two hours later stating that Delta Dental won't release information and that I need to contact the insurance company myself.  Concerned with this message, I began searching through his estate stuff and eventually came across some paperwork with clipped with the message "bills".  Two pages of payment coupons were intact, except for the very first one.  He has not made a payment since June 2009.  So, we don't have dental insurance.  Yet another thing to get straightened out.  He basically quit paying bills and cashed in all but one of the 4 life insurance polices, sold the IRA's and emptied out the mutual funds.  What a mess.

Enya - Evening Falls (video)

I am drawn to Enya's beautiful voice once again. I first discovered Enya in 1998 while living in Asia. My husband and I were eating at a neighborhood restaurant and I fell in love with the soothing music. With difficulty, as I did not speak the language very well, I gathered from the waitress that the music was Enya. I had her CD in my hands the very next day! Enya was my constant companion as I struggled to endure the death in our family. Some may say that she contributed to my depressive moments, and there may be some truth to that, but without Enya I would have felt very, very alone. There is a meeting of the minds, or rather of the souls, in her voice and her lyrics.

Once again Enya is reappearing in my life. She comes alongside me when I need to feel my emotions, and find words to express my pain and sorrow. She is at times haunting, yes, and that is exactly what I need. My life has entered some dark places in the past few weeks since my husband died of alcoholism. His death was tragic and the attending details conjure up horrible images in my mind, which are devastating. Friends, acquaintances, etc. do not need to hear my sordid thoughts, nor experience my horrid emotions. In America especially, one knows that this stuff is better kept to oneself. This is precisely why I feel so alone in my sorrow.

My grief has a room of its own within my soul...and Enya has been invited in.

I am Lonely

I feel like I am living underground.  I am of a world where nothing makes sense to those who walk above me.  When I try to exist as a "normal" individual coping with the nonsense in my life, I inevitably stumble and make even more mistakes that add to the already stigmatized feelings that I carry.  My emotions are all over the place and I say things that I later regret.  I am selfish.  I want to go back underground where all is safe, and quiet, and secure.  Where no human can touch me and no event can topple me.

Snippet from the past

Past Journal Entry

Saturday night, July 25, 2007 

I went to the mall with a friend tonight.  I came home at 9.  Xxxxxxx was drunk.  He kept lying and saying he had had nothing to drink.   I went to the big trash bins outside.  Even though there were bugs, I opened trashbags and I searched for bottles.  I went through our storage shed. Found none.  He came outside, and he said, “Stop trying to make me feel guilty for something that I didn’t do.”  He told me to smell his breath. I could only smell mouthwash so I thought I was crazy because he acted drunk...slurring, swaying, etc.  I couldn’t figure it out.  I searched the house, and found a nearly empty bottle of vodka in a duffle bag in the closet.  I calmly confronted him He basically blew me off.  I am scared to death.  Stuffing it deep inside.

(Sunday) Xxxxxxx acted today like nothing had happened. I hurt so bad.  Cried so much this morning at church.  Pain and tears come and go in waves.  Don’t know if its “me” or if its “real pain”.   He lied to me.  He LIED to me, to my face, OVER AND OVER AND OVER, just like in the past.  I’m scared and alone.  No one will believe me.

Encouraging Words

Talked to my former pastor, where I long ago surrendered my life to the Lord.  His words of encouragement and his listening ears were of great comfort today.  He and his wife have been longtime mentors and I value their friendship and unconditional support and love. My initial contact with him  was at a psychiatric hospital many years ago.  My newborn twins had exhausted me to the point of near hysteria and I had sought treatment for mental health for the first time in my life at the age of 27.   I did not have many visitors the week I was hospitalized, but Pastor came every day around lunchtime to sit and visit with me.  He was nothing like I had imagined a Christian would be.  He never flinched when I was crude.  Furthermore, there was not even a trace of judgement in his face or behavior.  When I was released, my family continued to attend his church for a year before I truly understood what God's love was and it was then that I made a decision to follow Christ and not the world.  There were many persons in that church that led me to that decision.  They did not speak the words of the Bible, but they demonstrated the love of the Bible.  These people loved an unloveable person, over and over and over again.  I finally realized that the love I had found was a "supernatural" love, for no one had ever loved me unconditionally.

My little helper

Helping me unpack his belongings...

Losing my husband to alcohol

Abbreviations I never wanted to learn...

COD-Cause of death

ME-Medical Examiner

BAC-Blood Alcohol Content

Earlier today, while waiting outside the theater for my daughters, I talked to the ME who is in the state where my husband died.  The COD is blunt force trauma to the head.  Chronic and acute alcoholism was a factor in his death.  His BAC was above .20

BAC EFFECTS ON FEELING AND BEHAVIOR

 .01 - .03 There is a mild lift in feeling.  You have some loss of judgment.  (1 drink within 15 minutes… BAC .03%)

 .04 - .06 Most People feel high and must decide whether to continue drinking.  You may get louder and have some loss of small muscle control, like focusing your eyes. (2 drinks within ½ hour… BAC .06%)

 .08 - .09 Your sight and hearing are worse.   It’s harder to detect danger.  You have less sense of balance.  (3 drinks within 1 hour… BAC .09%)

 .10 - .12 Many people claim they’re not affected anymore, as if they could drink themselves sober.  You are definitely not thinking straight.  (4 drinks within 2 hours… BAC .12%)

 .13 - .15 You have far less muscle control than normal.  People feel happy even though they’re stumbling and acting foolishly.  Risk of an automobile crash increases to 25 times the normal rate (5-7 drinks within 3 hours… BAC .15%)

 .20 - .25 You’re confused.  You usually need help doing things, even standing up. Those who drive are 50 to 100 times more likely to crash.  The average alcohol-related highway death occurs at this level. (8-12 drinks within 4 hours…  BAC .20%

 .30 Almost nothing gets through the senses.  An extremely life threatening BAC level.

 .40 Your condition ranges from conscious to comatose.  There is a chance of death from a ‘shut down’ of breathing.

He fell down and hit his head.  This killed him.  Had he not been so intoxicated, I think that he would have been able to get help...call 911...call someone!

Boxes

Mornings have cooled down, so after taking the girls to school today I unpacked more of his belongings stored in our garage.  I was excited to find many of my belongings that I hadn't  realized were missing this past year: a small portion of my teacup collection, some of my books (and the girls' books), and other various odds and ends.  Most appreciated were the photographs, many of which I had donated from our collection of photo albums so he would have our family memories too.  Officer uniforms that still covered hangers were hung up in my office closet...other uniforms are scattered on the floor awaiting their destination...laundry room (hesitant to wash away any of his scent), rubbermaid, or closet.  I try not to romanticize his life, but this is a difficult feat because his love permeates every item I handle, breathe, cling to.

The most practical thing I discovered were a collection of CD's, which may contain information to aid in my role as executor of his will.  I have been unable to access the hard drive in his CPU because of password protection, so I am hoping for backup files.  I have to take care of this mess he left me.  And as I do, I will work through the many stages of grief, one of which is guilt.   I am not sure what the books say, but for me, guilt is a form of self-protection right now.  It keeps the gutwrenching grief at a safe distance.  I have a theory on guilt and how it relates to death.  The following paragraphs will illustrate the meaning I give to the loss in my life.

Death by Suicide

Engrossed in a world of my own, I continue to struggle with the guilt of losing a loved one.  As a survivor of suicide I have made some conclusions.  Realistically, guilt is not reserved for those who have lost loved ones to suicide only.   Death generally leads to a questioning of a survivor's role in the departed's life, whether due to a chronic illness, an accident, or a suicide.  I struggled with guilt after my sister's suicide.  The guilt was dramatically more intense after the suicide of my adopted daughter/sister's daughter.  After all, a child is a parent's responsibility.  One is trusted with that child, whether by natural birth or through adoption.  I looked back and saw signs of depression that hadn't been realized before.  I finally came to the place where I could tell myself, "I wish I had known then what I know now".

Death from Illness

My stepfather was my first major loss.  Looking back, I condemned the 14-year-old that I was.  Hostility had built up because it took him two years to die of lung cancer.  Our home environment was akin to a nursing home, complete with the smells and the sounds.  Furthermore,  I resented the attention my Mom gave my stepfather. In the end, I visited him at the VA hospital the day before he died, and I was rude to him!  Horrible rebellious teenager!  Then, when my mother-in-law died of cancer on August 3, 2010, just days before husband's funeral was held, I started feeling guilty for not doing more to save her precious son from death.  I had the absolution of knowing that I in no way contributed to her death, but I felt (feel) like I caused her unnecessary pain by not being with her son and saving him.

Accidental Death

And the big one, the catastrophic one, the mama of all guilt.  My husband.  I may be stuck on this for a while but I am given permission.  God's grace allows me to work through the guilt and the "what ifs?"  The "I should haves" and "I could haves" that accompany regret.

Wicked Grandmother (sorry, no guilt here)

One death I admit no guilt for.  Is that bad?  When my grandmother died in 2000 I had no feelings at all. I grew up very close to her, as my mother was distant and perhaps mentally ill.  But my grandmother was cruel and heartless.  In the end, a year or so before her death, I had cut her off.  No grandmother in my life anymore.  She had groomed me in guilt and shame and breaking contact with her was healthy.  No guilt, just relief.  Hardened heart for my grandmother.  I am unsure where this fits into God's plan of grace and mercy...it is an action not of Him, but of my flesh for this I do know.

For now, I work through the existing pain of losing my love, and helping my daughters grieve for the loss of their earthly father.